My EMDR Experience
I had my second appointment with my new therapist Thursday and wanted to document the experience. One of the major reason I struggle with the courage to leave my husband, is my fear of him killing himself. It is a real fear, one that has real events behind it, not a made up fear that has no possibility of happening.
We tried EMDR for the first time. The image that I used to express my fears was of the first night I knew he was suicidal. I went in to our closet and began attempting to pack all of our guns into a duffle bag. I remember the sheer terror I felt. I also remember the chaos of the situation. I was crying hysterically, terrified of what I had just learned and that he would possibly follow through. I was sitting on the floor of the closet, sobbing, frantically packing u the guns when he came in to stop me. I remember arguing with him. I remember him trying to consol me.
This is the image I focused on when I got on the EMDR train. I believe the first place the train took me to was to the field of yellow flowers. I saw an image of me standing in the middle of the field, with bright yellow flowers surrounding me, my arms spread wide looking up allowing the sun to hit my face, twirling around. I felt a complete sense of warmth, calm, peace and an overall sense of being free. I knew this is who I am at my core. Free spirited, light, happiness.
Then I get back on the train and it took me to a dining room table, eating dinner with my boys. We were all smiling and laughing, enjoying our meal together. Again I felt each and contentment.
Next I went back to the closet seeing clearly the duffle bag represented baggage I was carrying around.The closet no longer felt like I was sitting in the middle of a tornado. I could see my clothes hanging, the bag in front of me and the tears on my face, but it was quiet.
Getting back on the train I saw myself in a work setting. I was standing with other women, smiling, talking, having good conversations with women I could tell I enjoyed working with.
Then I went back to the field of yellow flowers. In this field I recognized that the baggage I had been carrying needed to be set down. The heaviness, dark, suck the life out of you things I am carrying are not mine to carry. That is not who I am or who I was made to be. I need to allow myself to lay those things down and free myself from the weight of them all.
Next I saw an image of God, reaching down his hand from the clouds. I clearly felt that he was telling me that everything would be ok. I felt a sense of peace come over me and knew that somehow this would all work itself out.
Finally I landed back in the field of flowers. Only now I am laying in them with the sun beaming down on me. I am tired and just need to lay awhile in the light, beauty, and peace. And it is ok, I am allowed to.
The above entry is a direct copy from my journal I was keeping at this time. For context, after the experience that is mentioned, things in my household progressively worsened. I knew I needed to leave my husband, however his depression was real, and his threats of suicide scared me into staying. At one point he told me that he planned to leave a note for our boys telling them that I am to blame so that they would hate me forever.
THIS is why I stayed as long as I did. THIS is why, no matter how bad things got, I imagined they could always be worse. And THIS is also why, in my desperation I decided to give EMDR a try. I had no idea going into that session what would be brought up. But as we prayed prior to the session on what I needed to release, God made it clear that this was something I needed to lay down. Wether he was planning to move forward with his threats or not, it was not my burden to carry, it was his own internal demons he refused to fight for himself. I had no control over the situation. Only God did, and this experience helped me to see that I no longer needed to carry the weight of HIS decisions around with me. I knew I was free from the burden, free to make the choices I needed to and free from the guilt and responsibility of his actions.
