Deep conversations and hard realizations…

One of the absolute hardest things as a mother is allowing your children to learn lessons for themselves. 

I don’t say this flippantly because I’ve heard it a million times, but because I have had to sit back and watch as one of my children did just that, and now, am currently watching, waiting, and guiding as his brothers do the same. 

And as hard as it is, I know to my core that this is what is necessary for THEIR true understanding and growth. 

I know this because of deep conversations that reveal hard realizations in moments of complete openness. I know this because my oldest son is coming into a place of total understanding. And as hard as it is, it is also a beautiful thing.

One of the greatest blessings of the 6-hour car ride between CA and AZ is the time alone in the car. I can remember the first time I did this drive by myself like it was yesterday. It was over 2 years ago now. I cried the whole entire time. Have you ever cried for 6 hours straight? I’m not sure there is anything more exhausting. 

I will be honest, I was terrified. At that point in my life, I had NEVER driven anywhere that far on my own. I had recently left my husband who had been my partner since we were 13 years old. This was new and scary territory for me. And I was pissed! I was heartbroken! And I was so unsure of everything in my life at that time. But not of my family’s love and so I set out to CA, on my own, running back to it.

November 25, 2020, My 1st solo drive to CA

I did this drive nearly every two weeks, definitely every month, for 2 years before moving back to CA. Then I reversed and did the opposite to see my two boys still in AZ. I actually love reflecting on these drives and how they changed as time went on and I healed. 

For months it was crying the whole way. Then it was an overwhelming sense of sadness as I walked down memory lane every time I drove through Riverside, where so much of our lives took place. Eventually, it felt like a mad dash just to get there as fast as possible because I knew love and comfort awaited me. And now… now I have the windows down, music blaring, singing at the top of my lungs filled with joy and contentment.

Healing is a beautiful thing. 

Feb 2022 Taking selfies in the car now because I am smiling rather than crying.

Over the past year, my oldest son had begun joining me on as many of the trips as possible. Sit in a car with your kid for long enough and the words start flowing. This has become one of my absolute favorite things to do with him. 

When I began my life transformation, one of the first things I did was sit my three boys down and tell them that things are going to change when it comes to how I show up as their mother. I apologized for my wrongdoings and promised them that from that moment forward, I would look them dead in the eye and tell them the truth about every situation, even the ones that were going to hurt them. Some would say they were too young, that I should have sheltered them from the truth. But I know without a shadow of a doubt that this was the best decision I ever made. 

I have and will continue to keep that promise to them. I don’t sugarcoat a thing. In fact, more often than not when we do discuss hard things, I tell them “You know what, I don’t have the answer, and I have no clue how this is going to work out, but I DO have FAITH that it will” and sometimes that is the best that you can do.

This tactic has not failed me yet. Sure, sometimes we have had to pivot, come up with solutions, and navigate hard situations, but we do it together, with mutual love and respect, through open and honest conversations.

Recent conversations with my boys have proven the importance of showing up for my kids this way. They are coming to understand things in their own way. Not what I am telling them should or shouldn’t be right, or anyone else’s opinions for that matter. But by living through situations, talking about them honestly, and then allowing them to say how they see it and it makes them feel. 

In fact, we regularly discuss what they are told versus what they believe is right. To trust their gut and to always questions anything that doesn’t sound right or sit well in their soul. To come up with their own conclusions with love and guidance, but THEIR OWN. 

THIS is how generational trauma is broken. I don’t want my boys to be 30/40 years old, in the midst of a broken marriage with kids, barely hanging on trying to figure out why they react and respond to situations the way they do. Or however, their lives end up looking down the road. I want them capable of living in the moment, free of baggage from unprocessed hurts. 

I believe that having these hard conversations now will help them deal with life’s traumas in real-time, processing them properly as life is thrown at them. I believe that it will help them to become loving compassionate husbands, fathers, and humans one day. Better capable of supporting their friends and loved ones. 

Sometimes when one of them has a breakthrough in something they have been struggling with, it is hard to hear the realization that they have come to. It hurts my heart. But my response will forever remain the same. Those are YOUR feelings, and nobody can change the way you feel, but you. If at some point down the road, you decide to feel differently and handle a situation in a new way, that’s ok too. But I always remind them of how proud I am of them for having the courage to face the things life has dealt them rather than numb or hide from it.